Why We Hate Photos of Ourselves & How To Change It
If you cringe at photos of yourself, you’re not alone.
Most of us feel this way.
Recently, when a dear friend of mine lost her mother, the unintended consequences of this self-consciousness became glaringly clear.
In those sacred last days, her beloved mom bequeathed the family photo albums to her care.
As she soaked up photos of her mother’s life, they brought her great comfort.
However, my friend began to realize that her family will have very few photos of her someday, because like many of us, she rarely has her photo taken.
She was brave enough to bring this up in our Liberated Eating Community and it struck a nerve with all of us.
Last week I did a little research and posted this question on Facebook:
Do you normally feel neutral, positive or negative about photos of yourself?
Over 140 friends of all ages answered the question. Most were women. Only about 15 said anything other than “negative” or “very negative” and many of those were men.
So, what’s going on here?
Why this universal cringe at our own image?
And do we want to carry this pattern into the next generation?
Hold onto this idea of our legacy as we explore what’s happening:
PHOTOGRAPHY HAS DRASTICALLY CHANGED IN ONE GENERATION
We photo-haters are at a disadvantage.
More photographs have been snapped (clicked) over this past decade than all other photos ever taken, combined.
And this is only going to increase. This subject of hating our own image has been forced upon us.
We can’t change this glut of photos – so let’s explore how we can leave genuine smiles (instead of forced uncomfortable ones) behind?
First, A BRIEF HISTORY FROM A BOOMER’S PERSPECTIVE:
Baby pictures. Most of us who are over 50 only have a few, so they are icons of our babyhood.
Notice that if you have any baby pictures with your parents, grandparents or great grands, you don’t scrutinize their physical appearance. You most likely cherish the few photos you have of them.
Hold that thought.
Then, there was Class Photo Day. Remember? This was the only school day my mom “did” my hair. I remember feeling uncomfortable and stiff on picture day.
The unspoken message was that “normal me” with messy dog-ears was somehow not quite acceptable to be photographed for posterity.
Then there’s puberty. Enough said.
In our teenage years the pressure started with a vengeance. We got the message loud and clear that we should shed our uniqueness and conform to the homogenous images of skinny long-haired girls in teen magazines.
Fast forward to NOW. Lord help us. Now.
Everyone has a camera in their hands at all times. Not only do they have a camera but they use it - and we have little or no power to edit.
And, no more waiting for the film to be developed. No more polaroids with only one copy. At least back then we could sneak around and destroy unwanted photos.
Now, our images can be - and are - immediately shared with (literally) the entire world.
And last but not least – the selfie. Certainly they can be a fun way to share our smiles and moments, but more times than we like to admit we’ve spent precious time trying to curate our image to accentuate the ‘best’ and hide the ‘worst.’
I recently witnessed a SELFIE OBSESSION SESSION:
While at the beach I witnessed a young woman repeatedly take and retake endless selfies with various pouts and poses. I tried not to watch, but I couldn’t tear myself away. I hid behind my book in amazement as this stretched out for over 25 minutes.
BOTH of us were missing the beauty of our surroundings as she relentlessly worked to capture “perfection.” It was exhausting.
So. Why all this striving?
CULTURAL MESSAGES
As women, we’ve been sold the message that we need to change parts of ourselves. Our bodies, which naturally come in all shapes and sizes, are not acceptable. We need to abandon our individuality and strive to look like the unnatural unattainable “ideal.”
Enter shame and body-dissatisfaction.
Enter hating our own photographed images.
BUT WAIT, OUR BRAIN PLAYS A BIG PART TOO
Before we talk about solutions, let’s look at some other reasons we dislike ourselves in photographs. There’s some fascinating psychology involved.*
In a nutshell:
A. Mirror-image Mirage:
The face we’re accustomed to seeing in the mirror each morning isn’t the one that everybody else sees. It’s a mirror image.
In studies, we prefer mirror images of ourselves – because that’s what we’re used to - but those who know and love us prefer the non-mirror-image of us.
Plus, no one’s face is perfectly symmetrical so when we see a photograph of ourselves (a flip of the mirror-image we’re used to) it looks slightly “off” to us, even though we aren’t sure why.
B. Familiarity:
As we get ready for the day in front of our mirror, we almost always see the exact same angle of ourselves.
So, when we see a photograph from a different angle or perspective – the way others see us all the time – it comes as a surprise. And our instinct is to hate it.
These next two are hard to hear, but helpful to know.
C. Self-enhancement Bias:
We humans think we’re more attractive than we actually are.*
Studies show that we choose enhanced photographs of ourselves as the “real” us – but those who know us accurately chose the true photograph.
And since we think we’re supposed to be more attractive – that puts pressure on our photos to be more attractive than they need to be.
Our self-enhancement bias is another reason we don’t like pictures of ourselves. The photos can never measure up.
D. Confirmation Bias:
This is our human tendency to search for, and find, information that backs up what we believe is true. We naturally look for information that proves we are right.
We take strong notice of information that confirms our beliefs. We tend to ignore, or be suspect of, information that goes against what we believe.
If you believe you never look good in photos, or that having your picture taken is excruciating and cannot possibly turn our well – you will look for (and find) evidence for these negative beliefs.
If just one thoughtless person makes an unflattering comment, you’ll remember that for a lifetime. But if your family and friends comment on how they love a photo of you, it’s likely not to register.
All this works together to make it highly likely that we will be camera shy.
So, what have we discovered?
Our cultural pressure to conform and compare is relentless.
Our human brain is playing tricks on us.
Now that we know this, we get to decide where we go from here.
Let’s start by daring to believe that we can overcome our photo-hatred. We can step into a place of freeing radical acceptance. And, in this age of constant photos, we need to.
Life is too dear to spend the rest of it hiding.
It’s time for some reflection - because - there’s more than just our own feelings at stake here.
The people we love will want to have photos of us.
What will they lose – and what will we lose - if nothing changes?
And, consider this…
Changing our photo-aversion could be liberating!
Instead of seeing this as a burden, what if we view it as an invitation:
to step out of our fixed way of looking at our own appearance
to embrace our true selves fully and lovingly
to see ourselves as we see others – as fascinating, unique, complex beloved beings
to break the life-sucking pattern of women disliking our own images
Those of us who remember film cameras are in an interesting place right now.
We are sandwiched between two very different generations as far as photography and technology go.
We have a unique opportunity here, whether we like it or not.
Here’s the question that keeps rattling around in my head:
Given my deeply held beliefs about the beauty and value of each unique person, could I begin to practice viewing my own image through this lens?
What might happen if I take this challenge seriously?
Our culture, and our brains, do not have to have the last word!
What if, instead, we allow our values to lead?
WHAT IF, collectively…
we started offering our most authentic smiles and expressions when being photographed – not as though we’re looking at a camera – but at someone we love
we don’t just decide to tolerate being photographed but to embrace it. To be OUR TRUE AND UNIQUE SELVES
instead of shrinking in front of the camera, we offer joy. Grab a niece or grandchild or dog – ham it up and have some fun!
we remember that we will never have this exact moment again
we begin to say, “THIS IS MY LIFE. This is not a rehearsal. I’m all in!”
we realize that our own acceptance (and even enjoyment) of becoming comfortable in our own skin, will invite others to do the same.
Because. They know when we cringe.
And they will learn to do it, too.
SO WHAT CAN WE DO?
A FEW IDEAS TO CONSIDER:
LOOK BACK TO MOVE FORWARD. Sometimes looking back at old photos can remind us how needlessly harsh we are on ourselves in comparison to others.
When you look at photographs of a younger you, do you hate those pictures the same way you hate looking at pictures of yourself now? When you look back at photos of beloved elders, do you scrutinize their images as you do your own?
REALIZE NO ONE ELSE CARES. They’re too busy thinking about their own image.
People are much more sympathetic than we give them credit for. They know what it’s like, too.
FACE IT HEAD ON! Schedule a photo shoot with a creative photographer. Have some ideas you might like to try. Have fun with it – FOR YOU.
No one has to see them – but you might just discover that it’s fun. And it might break down barriers between you and the camera.
Ask the photographer for some pointers. Finding out about angles, light, and posture do help us relax.
FRAME YOURSELF. Choose a photo of yourself to keep on your nightstand. Give yourself a knowing wink every morning.
Remind yourself that you are a unique human and that, before all the comparison, judgement and shame, you were free.
Remember to be true to that girl.
FOCUS ON THE MEANING. Each of us, given one day to live, would focus on connection with those we love. Why not now?
Why not see photos as what they are – an opportunity to focus on capturing connections, emotions, stories and interactions with those we love.
Instead of tensing up and trying to become invisible, what if we’re tuned into the overall meaning of the moment…appreciating these particular human at this particular moment.
We know all this.
We know Life is unspeakably precious.
And since we live in a time of unavoidable photos, let’s practice letting that belief comfort and guide us.
We can change how we view ourselves.
We can decide to be free.
We can decide to love and support this one body we have – and even images of it.
We can accept that growing older is a great privilege (one many never get to experience) and looking older is part of the privilege.
WHAT DO WE WANT TO PASS ON?
We must not deceive ourselves.
People – especially children – sense when we’re trying to become invisible.
What does this teach them – about us? About themselves? About others?
We’ve got some thinking to do, Strong Women.
We have an opportunity.
We can open the door to a new and kinder self-acceptance…
*RESEARCH:
Studies on Reversed Facial Images and the Mere-Exposure Hypothesis:
Click here: Click here: https://cpb-us-w2.wpmucdn.com/sites.uwm.edu/dist/5/235/files/2016/07/mita_reversed-1a0ku8p.pdf
Studies on Enhancement in Self-Recognition:
Click here: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167208318601
Wanna read more about how you can build a peaceful, balanced relationship with food and your body?
CURL UP WITH A GOOD BOOK:
Read stories of people who’ve taken this path in “The Liberated Eater.” You’ll find all the basic framework of liberated eating here as well: