When Your Weight Makes You Wanna Hide

“It’s sad to admit this but I don’t want quarantine to end. It’s the easiest hiding I’ve ever done.”

This honest statement came from a caring, smart, creative, beautiful human. She cares well for her family, runs a business, and volunteers in her community. This woman makes the world a better place.

And yet.

She walks around feeling uncomfortable and unworthy in her very capable body.

And as we know, she is not alone.

For those of us who’ve struggled with food and our weight, feeling shame and anxiety over being seen is a way of life. All kinds of uncomfortable feelings come up: dread, self-consciousness, regret, sadness, anger, frustration, fear.

Just getting dressed in the morning can be exhausting.

Don’t even mention beach vacations or class reunions. Instead of excitement our first feeling is dread … WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR??

Meaning. I’m unacceptable.

I can’t tell you how many good things I missed, how many times I made up excuses, prayed to wake up sick - ANYTHING - so I wouldn’t have to be seen.

I even missed an old boyfriend’s funeral back in college because I couldn’t bear for my friends to see me “blown up”. The shame was unbearable. I wept the entire day of the funeral…feeling every wretched emotion imaginable.

Forty-five years later, I still regret not showing up to celebrate his life.

It’s not easy to share this story, but it illustrates the flawed level of shame I had concerning my body, not to mention the complete misunderstanding I had about my true self.

I wish someone had told me way back then:

Darlin’ Girl,

You are worthy of respect and love, especially from yourself.
Being your unique and fascinating self has nothing to do with your weight. Some of the most interesting, creative, change-making people in the world were/are not thin.
Those who create a full life and legacy are kind, merciful and empathetic. These qualities are in no way related to how much you weigh.
You get to go places and enjoy doing things - right now. Do not wait till you think you’re “thin enough.”
You are mind, spirit and body. Let all of you show up in force!
The kind of people worth building a relationship with will love being with you regardless of whether your weight is up or down right now. [Read that out loud five times]
You can find a way to live at a comfortable weight, but please, LIVE each day between now and then.
Being thinner will never make you more valuable, worthy, or capable. You are all those things right now.

Here’s the beautiful truth…

People are drawn to those who are comfortable in their own skin. Relax and enjoy being YOU - completely and utterly YOU.

Now.

How I wish I’d known these things in the first half of life. I wish the older women in my life had modeled this for me but I don’t think they knew either.

But now.

But now we know a thing or two, don’t we? We’ve had some decades to reflect.

So. Where do we go from here?

Let’s start with focusing on the Good and True things. Not a number on a machine.

And let’s have some fun. No more hiding. No more waiting.

Yes! Go have FUN being your true self. Today.

And remember, when you are fully alive, it inspires others to try it too.

*thanks to @BrookeCagle for the lovely photo